living the canvas of life from collage to masterpiece

The Day I Told God No

on May 17, 2014

I was used to trusting God – believing in Him, standing on His promises, obeying His Word – it all seemed to be second nature to me.  I was always the stick in the mud who wouldn’t pass notes in class, who wouldn’t participate in even the most meaningless of pranks for fear of disrespecting authority, and the girl who exchanged parties for solitude.  Taking chances and acting recklessly were never my MO, and still aren’t behaviors I practice often.  But that day, I couldn’t do what I knew I had to do.  I couldn’t let it go.  I couldn’t say, “Your will be done.”  I just couldn’t.  I had to say no.

You see, just a few months earlier, a helpless, eight pound, little human was placed on my chest, and the whole world melted away.  I thought I knew what love was, but until I held the embodiment of love, it was obvious what came before was not this strong.  This person clung to my chest and in that moment I knew I couldn’t let go.  This little guy depended on me for everything – food, love, safety, comfort, security – to give up that control, that responsibility, for one moment…it would be absurd and irresponsible of me.  The answer was no.  I would cling tighter than ever, because he needed me.  I would cling even tighter, because I was the one that needed him.

Letting go was accepting that he was just on loan to me.  Letting go would mean I was trusting someone else with the responsibility of my son’s safety.  Letting go meant that I wasn’t capable of protecting him every minute of every day.  Letting go took away my control. Letting go meant that I could lose this person who was so dependent on me – on whom I had become so dependent.

No.  I would not let go.

But then, who would keep him safe while I slept?  Who would protect him when he tried to stand while I wasn’t there?  Could I control the cosmos?  Could I control the unknown?  Could I control the future?  Could I learn to trust?

I have to trust.  I have to let go.  I have to believe in the sovereignty of God, and instead of fearing the loss of this precious child, I need to embrace the time that I spend holding and loving him.  I have to trust, because when I don’t trust, it means I don’t believe.



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